Space Jam

Something happens when life doth spring forth from the belly of the Mother; and to be honest it doesn’t happen overnight.

Nevertheless the creeper takes control.

Yes, garage space disappears at a rate so fast it makes blazing, sexy race motorcycles look like my old Voltron Big Wheels of years gone bye.

Now that the KTM project is done (fingers crossed and more of that write up to come) and my baby clucker chicken heads are out in their coop I need to get The Hotness back to parking inside the comfort of the garage. Sugar melts when it gets wet, y’all.

Long story short, life springs forth and there isn’t room for shit in the garage. Eight car garage, you say? Doesn’t matter. Offspring take up that space so quickly your head will spin. Every time I head out to make room and clean up it seems like more room just disappears into the ether. Ghosts of girlfriends past and whatnot.

Love the fruit of my loins and all but, shit, give ol’ Papa Bear some space for his tools and toys, yo.

The KTM Epic Part 1

Our Lady of Divine Hare Scrambles came to me in a dream. She told me of how my Orange Beloved was feeling weary in her heart and soul but that she could still, in fact, be saved. Plans were formulated at the end of December 2016 and with the blessing of The Hotness and Rocky Mountain ATV/MC (and Bishop Visa) the initial order of parts was placed.

The main job was the rebuild the valve train as well as the piston and rings. I’d be lying if I said that I had done this job before so being the diligent, humble servant I am I consulted The Oracle of YouTube. Her soft light shone down upon my shoulders, anointing me with her knowledge; she covered me with her blanket of confidence.

When the email popped up in my inbox stating the goods were on their way to me I done got started on the tear down of my bike.

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Noble, yet tired. Here she rests upon her stool anxiously awaiting her gutting.
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You remove one wrong bolt….
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My grandpa always told me my ass would fall off if I played with my belly button. Guess it isn’t a myth as far as KTMs are concerned…

Let’s go ahead and hit the “Pause” button for a minute. Is it necessary to remove the engine to rebuild the valve train and piston/rings? No, of course it isn’t. But since this was my first time I wanted to be able to eye fuck the shit outta the engine’s guts so I could learn everything possible. That being said, the engine’s done gotta come out of that frame.

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At this point you say to yourself, “Modern Man, you’ve done come this far. May as well get into those bearings and replace their asses.”
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With the swingarm removed there are only two more bolts holding an RFS KTM motor in the frame.

She’s a sturdy, heavy lump but a sexy one. A little dirty with cow shit and mud? Sure. But don’t you say an ill word against my lump.

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Alright, so you’ve removed the motor. Or you’ve exposed it enough to remove the valve covers. Good for you! Decide your own destiny, I say. Pay attention and loosen up those other bolts that hold the valve cover in place.
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OK, so at this point you’re as thirsty as a college whore in a frat house. Go inside for a glass of water, you ask? Hell no! Crack that water pump cover and chug some coolant. Just kidding don’t do that shit but feel free to crack that cover and remove the gasket so you can remove the valve cover.

Once you have the water pump cover off take the time to look at your impeller. I replaced mine about a year ago so it doesn’t look crusty but it did at the time. Take your snap ring pliers to remove the clip that holds the impeller in place. Once the clip is out of place you will need to be careful when removing the impeller. It does slide off the shaft (heyoooooooooooooooooo), I promise.

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Holy Boner, Batman! Look at them guts! Sadly, KTM doesn’t believe in clip style master links on their cam chains. Invest in a decent (read: not high dollar but a good tool) tool that’ll do the job for you. Most good tools will be good for the cam chain as well as your drive chain.

At this point one should take care to remove the RTV sealant that hugged the valve cover close to the valve head. It’s not hard and crucial so when you’re ready to reinstall there aren’t any sealing issues. Be sure that you don’t use anything metallic or abrasive as that can cause scarring and sealing issues when you go to rebuild.

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At this point you’ve earned a damn hot cup of tea. Peppermint, bitch! Also, if you don’t have at least one bloody knuckle at this break then you’re doing it wrong.
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A fine example of a good but inexpensive tool to deal with chains of all sorts and sizes.
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While breaking the cam chain be careful so the pin doesn’t fall into the motor. Stuff some clean rags beneath the breaking point so you can keep track of it in case you get aggressive with the chain tool.
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With the cam chain all broken in half and shit feel free to remove the cam shaft. With or without the water pump removed, that is. Just be sure to be a good house guest and clean on your way out.
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With the cam shaft removed you can size up the next challenge. Valves. You may say to yourself that those springs don’t look so tough but then again you’d be a big ol’ dumbass. And nobody likes dumbasses.
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With the valve head bolts removed and the cam chain broken you can remove the valve head off of the cylinder.
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Look at that ol’ dirty bitch. 2005 model year piston and rings in December 2016. Thankfully the connecting rod and whatnot proved to be stout. I had a big enough project on my hands.
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Go ahead and take a firm grip upon your dead blow hammer. No, don’t use a standard hammer. Dead blow. Don’t be that person to fuck up their piston sleeve and all that jazz. Gently tap the two pieces apart. It really doesn’t take much.

Garage Nights KTM Style

Sweet, baby Jesus.

I’ve been a busy beaver the past week or so.

If there is one thing this mild winter has been good for it is garage nights and maintenance. The KTM has never been torn down and I am the third owner since 2005. Based on everything I have seen to date the two dudes before me took care of her but seemingly didn’t go much farther with maintenance beyond standard oil changes. Now, I’ve never torn a motor down before but decided to go for it because not only was she due but it would be a learning experience as well.

With liquid courage coursing through my veins I decided to get the ball rolling and I have to say it escalated quickly. The project is probably half way through and a full write up will come shortly.

Jam(s) Of The Day

Hot damn! I sure do love me some Clutch! Their newest album has basically been on repeat for sometime now so I just gotta share the goodness.

Lead track off Psychic Warfare: “X-Ray Visions”

Followed closely by this mother of a jam right here: “A Quick Death in Texas”

Are they the best music videos I’ve ever seen? No. But hot snot do these two jams get the blood moving on a daily basis. Time flies when I’m wrenchin’ on the KTM or Triumph in the garage with this band pumpin’ through the sound system.

Give ’em a listen. They’re very much worth it.

Not to mention the fact that they make me wanna pick up the Gibson and work out some jams of my own.

Holy Sh*t

Here I am doing complex math computations in my mind regarding sprocket diameter and tooth count for the KTM rear hub when The Hotness rounds the corner to say hello.

Mind you it is past her bedtime and I had SeƱor Johnson in my hand mid bladder leak.

She’s damn lucky I didn’t piss all over the bathroom but I have to admit I stopped mid-stream.

You ever try stopping mid-stream? ‘Tis a feat paramount to nuclear fission.

Ain’t That Some Sh*t

Sometimes even Modern Men get depressed and, by golly, it has been quite the week.

Fuck it, I can’t even build this story up. My beloved Triumph Speed Triple, Tammy Mother Fuckin’ Lou, fell. Thanks to a trailer/strap mishap she fell over/off the trailer while I was pulling onto the road to head to my first track day. Never mind the fact that she has been trailered to and fro for many miles in the past year including the nearly eight hours north to Cleveland, Ohio (FUCK YEAH, CAVS!!!!!!).

I met up with my buddy, Rick James, so we could trailer together to Mid-Ohio Sports Car Course for our first track day and this shit happened. I spent a solid two days as depressed as can be but at the end of the day it was a turd sandwich that apparently nobody saw coming. Rick James feels it was a sign and we should count our blessings since the Ol’ Girl saved us from a bigger mishap.

We were able to reschedule our outing for the end of August so I guess we’ll just have to wait to rip it up until then.

In the meanwhile I will set aside a corner of the garage so I can make a shrine to The Parts Who Are No Longer With Us. Spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch. Pour one out for my homies. Light the funeral pyre.

From the ashes will arise a Speed Triple reborn.

Chubby Belly

We’re out in the garage enduring the summer heat while working on removing the front and rear wheels on the Speed 3 when he drops the hammer on me.

Of course I am shirtless (again, due to the heat) and he laughs and says, “Dad! Look at your chubby belly! Just look at it! It’s so chubby!”

Two days into summer break and I’m ready for him to go back to school.

Operation Slowpoke: Trail Edition

Maybe I’ll write up a proper trail review another time but I need to get to this mission debrief. It had been miles. Mud was spilled. We fought bravely against the elements and came out on top this time so I guess you could say we were lucky. No. Fuck luck. We had skill on our side and some times that is all you need to get the upper hand. That and good engineers who ate Wheaties for breakfast the day they designed our vehicles and/or aftermarket upgrades.

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4Runner didn’t even bother to sweat this downhill.

There we were, me and 4Runner with Buddy and Jeep checking out some previously unexplored forest “roads” on a fine Friday afternoon. We were in the home stretch and there was a medium sized limb in the middle of my path that I figured the Jeep couldn’t make it past (I kid, I kid) so I stopped to swiftly ninja kick the shit outta it when I saw it. I can guarantee he saw me coming and if it weren’t for a keen eye I may have squished his ass on accident.

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Legs all tucked in for safety and shit.

Operation Slowpoke: Trail Edition went into action without hesitation. Honestly, I wish I could’ve seen the fluidity of the cartwheel I executed while snatching his/her (Billy Box Turtle/Bonnie Box Turtle) ass up out the leaves. After a reassuring stroke of the head and a kiss for good luck I placed Billy/Bonnie up the bank in the direction he/she was headed.

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It’s hard to see the bricks he/she was shittin’ from this angle.

Crisis was averted. Lives were saved. Branches were ninja-fucking-blasted out of the way. We drove home kings of the forest and sacrificed lambs to the engineering gods that bestowed their favor upon us.

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Still streamlined for safety.

Operation Phoenix Part 1

I don’t really know where to start.

Let’s just go ahead and say that I haven’t really much felt like myself lately. Honestly, life is going well right now and shit is getting knocked out just fine but something feels like it is missing.

One thing that has suffered a bit for me is the guitar playing. I started taking lessons roughly two and a half years ago and the journey has been good. Basically I just need to buckle the fuck down and get my nose back on the grindstone so I can earn my damn denim vest. Playing at an open mic night is a dream of mine that I would like to turn into jammin’ at a local bar or two every now and again. It would be a big step for me as I do not love being in front of people as the center of attention but you gotta face your fears at some point, right? I feel like I have something to say musically but whether or not anyone wants to listen is another story for another day. And, to be honest, I need to play with some people that are better than me because I kind of need to be pushed to reach my full potential. Am I lazy? No. But someone better than me is a good kick in the ass to get my situation in order. I tried browsing Craigslist for a bit to get a jam buddy but that just ended up being a little weird. Maybe I just need to revisit that scenario and go with the flow to see where it’ll take me. Hopefully it just doesn’t end up being tied up in someone’s trunk.

Maybe it is a lack of goals. I mean, obviously I have goals but I have a harder time achieving them right now. Besides playing guitar and singing publicly I would like to race (and race well) in a hare scramble next year. Me and Kathy soaring like eagles through the forest on a trail leading to infamy. Now that sounds magical as shit. Do I have dreams of being a factory rider? No. But I want to jam out rock solid in an intermediate class. At this point I know that she is ready for the challenge but I need a bit of work. I’ve been riding pretty well lately but winter was coming and my frame prepared well. I need to lose about fifteen to twenty pounds to be competitive but at least I’m more 6’4″ than 5’4″.

Alright, so more gym, riding, and more guitar time. Check. Jam on. But still, where does that leave me?