Operation Slowpoke: Trail Edition

Maybe I’ll write up a proper trail review another time but I need to get to this mission debrief. It had been miles. Mud was spilled. We fought bravely against the elements and came out on top this time so I guess you could say we were lucky. No. Fuck luck. We had skill on our side and some times that is all you need to get the upper hand. That and good engineers who ate Wheaties for breakfast the day they designed our vehicles and/or aftermarket upgrades.

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4Runner didn’t even bother to sweat this downhill.

There we were, me and 4Runner with Buddy and Jeep checking out some previously unexplored forest “roads” on a fine Friday afternoon. We were in the home stretch and there was a medium sized limb in the middle of my path that I figured the Jeep couldn’t make it past (I kid, I kid) so I stopped to swiftly ninja kick the shit outta it when I saw it. I can guarantee he saw me coming and if it weren’t for a keen eye I may have squished his ass on accident.

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Legs all tucked in for safety and shit.

Operation Slowpoke: Trail Edition went into action without hesitation. Honestly, I wish I could’ve seen the fluidity of the cartwheel I executed while snatching his/her (Billy Box Turtle/Bonnie Box Turtle) ass up out the leaves. After a reassuring stroke of the head and a kiss for good luck I placed Billy/Bonnie up the bank in the direction he/she was headed.

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It’s hard to see the bricks he/she was shittin’ from this angle.

Crisis was averted. Lives were saved. Branches were ninja-fucking-blasted out of the way. We drove home kings of the forest and sacrificed lambs to the engineering gods that bestowed their favor upon us.

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Still streamlined for safety.

Nightmare Material

Little Man is in the living room making things with his magnetic toy set while I enjoy a hot, delicious cup of coffee (with my mug properly pre-warmed, of course) and plan my day.

He says, “Look, Daddy, I made you a six legged spider!”

Sweet Jesus do I hate spiders so I try to distract myself by reminding him that it can’t be a spider because spiders have eight legs.

“Well,” he says, “this spider has six legs and he will eat you up whenever you take a bit of meatloaf!”

Seriously, who the hell is slipping my kid drugs?

Black Angus

Lil’ Man and I were going on a little adventure today to put the 4Runner in Beast Mode when we drove past a cow pasture.

“Dad, do you know what a cow does?”

“No, what?”

“He turns you into chicken nuggets and gobbles you up!”

I think my kid is trippin’ balls.

Snicker Micks

Last night was a rough one.

Our Tortie, Mika, crossed over to the other side and left a big ol’ empty spot in our hearts.

Taking a break from a little reading

Not only was she a damn pretty cat, she was the perfect blend of spunk and love.

Performing a cat scan on all inbound mail to make sure it’s safe.

Her battle with cancer was quick but it was painful to watch her soldier through it.

What do you mean this isn’t my new bed?

She was the first animal that The Hotness and I rescued and in her ten years on the Earth she witnessed every major event of our life together.

Deciding if the celly is friend or foe.

At baseline I am a lover of animals but I never knew I could love a cat as much as I love Mika. She was something special. She deserved more than cancer. She deserved going out while fighting a grizzly bear to defend her catnip.

What do you mean “no more catnip”?!

We brought her home after she went to sleep and I buried her beneath an oak tree I planted this fall. It was hard to say goodbye but at least we have all of the memories…

Goodnight, Mika.

Home Improvement

Being a stay-at-home Dad means I don’t always get time to do a lot of the “guy” stuff around the house. I have been trying to hang these curtain hold backs for a while now and finally had time since The Hotness took Little Man to school for the day.

Mika observed my progress for a little bit and decided I was getting too much done for my own good. Thankfully she recognized this and promptly remedied the situation!

Oh, you need this pencil? Let me smack it around so you can't have it.
Oh, you need this pencil? Let me smack it around so you can’t have it.

Nothing helps out like a cat knocking over your tools or just lying on top of them.

Lady Catniss Never Apologizes.

Little Man is under the impression that he is somehow an animal whisperer. It is troublesome, however, that his hands lack what could be called “kindness”. Our eldest cat is ten years of age and loves most everyone but even with her good spirits she can handle only so much love. I have really been working with The Nugget on using our “gentle hands” when dealing with the cats and dog but as you can imagine his excitement sometimes gets the best of him.

Mika (Lady Catniss) was under the kitchen table receiving some gentle, loving scratching for a while until she wanted to move on to another vantage point. Little Man followed her and didn’t pick up on the lioness body language that cuddle time was, in fact, over. He attempted the ill fated belly rub (in spite of being told to never attempt this maneuver) and after enduring all she could handle, the Lady of the house gripped his hand between her chompers and held it there. She is not an evil cat and I have to admit that if it was me rubbing her belly she would have flat-out attacked, but she knows that Little Man requires training still so she just holds his hands in her mouth.

Tears fell and protests were yelled but at the end of the day he was just tired and had nothing more than a minor scratch. He and I talked about why the offense happened and how it could be prevented next time but I cracked up when he said, “But, Daddy, she didn’t apologize! She bit me and she didn’t say that she was sorry!”

Language barriers be damned!!! Little Man requires an apology!!!