Kenmore Is My Bitch

The only thing Elite up in my house is me, punks.

The Kenmore Elite range done took a fat dumper on the kitchen floor and just didn’t feel like holding temperature anymore. The control board doesn’t really seem to be the issue for a couple reasons so I went ahead and replaced the temperature probes.

What’s that? You don’t wanna crack open your range? Fret not, ladies and gents, for the Modern Man will guide you through.

Clearly, my write up is for an electric range because that’s what my rural home has up in it’s guts but pay attention now as it really is quite easy.

Step 1: Don’t be a bitch.

Step 2: Look up an exploded parts diagram for your make and model of appliance. It’s a great way to see what parts are in the mix and how they fit into the grand scheme of things.

Step 3: Get you an account-abili-buddy.

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Kitty Inspector General Ruby drawing attention to the dirty ass glass. She mustered near the range when she saw the tools amassing during the preparation phase.

Step 4: Pull that range out of it’s cubby and into the open. Let her breathe that fresh air and don’t forget to unplug her when she least expects it.

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Check out that backside on her! And pay attention so you don’t cut your digits on that cheap stamped steel cover when you remove the handful of screws keeping her in check.

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Never mind my toes. Just focus on removing the cover for the electrical hookup. Perv.
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Don’t forget about this lil’ fella covering up the connections for your heating element.

Step 6: Find a good home for the screws.

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Don’t be a slob. Use either the electrical cover or the heating element cover as a home for the cover screws. Just don’t let the Kitty Inspector General smack them into oblivion.

Step 7: Assess the situation.

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Don’t be scared by all the pretty colors and realize that as long as you unplugged that shit you won’t get shocked. Cross reference your parts diagram if you need to so you can locate your parts and connections.
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Temperature probe in the top left. Remove those two screws that hold her in place.
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Unplug the connection on the back of the range and pull the probe out through the open door.

Step 8: Allow the Kitty Inspector General to assess your progress so you don’t make any mistakes.

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Step 9: Reverse the probe removal scenario. Fish the probe’s electrical connection through the hole in the back of the range and install the two screws to hold her in place. Then reconnect the probe into the main wiring harness.

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Probe wiring connected to the main harness. No animals were hurt during this maneuver.

Step 10: Reinstall the cheap ass stamped cover on the rear of the range.

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Mind the couple tabs that go in their corresponding slots on the rear of the frame. You’ll have a bad time if you don’t. AND DON’T CUT YOUR FINGERS ON THE CHEAP ASS METAL!

Step 11: Inspection and Reinsertion

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Kitty Inspector Ruby making sure the outlet and range are about to be connected properly and in accordance with the Friskies Code of Kitty Uniformity.

Step 12: Wait, you want to test out your work already? Hold up, son. Kitty Inspector General Ruby noticed the glass in the doors wasn’t up to snuff. Better get on that.

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She’s ensuring there aren’t any fingerprints. Also, cleaning the glass isn’t hard but I’ll be honest and say I didn’t picture four panes of glass in each door! Damn!!! Not hard but it took forever.

Step 13: Test and calibrate your range as necessary and laid out in your manual.

Step 14: Blaze that blunt. Or crack that beer. Unless you done messed up and replaced the wrong parts then your job is done. Kick it with your kitty and make something delicious.

BMI and Me

Henceforth you may refer to me as Lord Beef.

I’m just shy of 6’4″ and weigh 215 pounds currently. Well, currently and “recently” since I have been 215 for half a year now. Ok so let’s just call it three quarters of a year. Whatever.

I spent most of my growing years as what most people would call a “string bean”. No matter what I ate or did I couldn’t seem to bust on past 170 pounds so I just figured shit was what it was. Life went on as it tends to do and here I am in present time at 215 pounds.

I started lifting in a soft core fashion a few years ago and I saw an increase in muscle mass so I know I’m not all fat. Hell, I’m not even fat. If you saw me on the street you wouldn’t get all wide eyed and go slack jawed as I sauntered past! But that brings me to my point.

According to the National Institute of Health my BMI is 26.2 and that falls smack dab in the middle of the “overweight” statistic. If I drop 170 pounds into the calculator my stats register on the “normal” statistic. Now I can guarantee with 100% certainty that if one could see my 170lb. version hot stepping down the avenue next to my current 215lb. self there wouldn’t be anyone getting moist over the skinnier option.

All said and done the BMI calculator is a bunch of shit. It doesn’t account for muscle ratio vs. chub ratio so fuck it. Why feel bad about myself over a generic and shit calculator?

Can someone come up with an equation to factor an accurate method to measure general weight health? It’s 2016!

Super Meat

Lil’ Man likes to pretend he doesn’t like potatoes and it is damn annoying so I pulled a fast one on him. I made breakfast burritos for dinner tonight and, of course, diced potatoes were part of the burrito guts.

Halfway through his burrito he notices the diced potato and says, “Daddy, what is that cube thing in there?”

“Oh, that little guy? That’s Super Meat.”

“Super Meat?!,” he says, “I LOVE Super Meat!”

Joke’s on you, son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HBI

The Hotness and I like to support the local economy whenever we can and one way we like to do that is we purchase beef directly from a local farmer. The gentleman we use raises his cows in the county we live in and uses a butcher from our county as well so that is super awesome.

Little Man and I went to pick up the meat armed with our coolers and a butt load of excitement. He was way too excited to meet the farmer and after asking a few questions about the farm he started shaking and jumping and yelled, “I CAN’T BELIEVE I GOT TO MEET A REAL, LIVE COWBOY!”.

Mr. Eddie and I both got a kick outta that.

Pot Roast and Burning Eyeballs

I busted the crock pot out first thing this morning and tossed a pot roast together using all the usual suspects.

I washed my  hands twice and then went to get ready for the day.

You’d think I would have learned by now to put my contacts in before I cut up onions…seemingly no matter how many times you wash your hands you should give it a minimum of 24 hours between touching an uncooked onion and your eyeballs.

Buffalo All Up In This…

A Modern Man knows a good time when he sees one and that is the honest-to-goodness truth. Hey, you need that bottle cap ninja kicked off? Yeah, the Modern Man has your back. You tired of beef all up in your hamburger? Son, the Modern Man knows just what the doctor ordered (Prilosec and a gym membership) and the answer is always more bison.

So what does bison and 1050cc of intake, compression, combustion, and exhaust have in common? I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that those two genres go together like a young Forrest and Jenny. Peas and carrots. Peanut butter and jelly.

Let’s just start on 311N out of Roanoke. The climb up and over Pott’s Mountain is fantastic as long as there wasn’t a very recent rain as the gravel washout can be a bit tricky in the corners. The descent on the backside is just as exhilarating as the ascent but don’t blink as you might miss the perfect little “town” of Paint Bank. There is a gas station/general store that I stumbled across a couple years ago while I was exploring on my enduro and it has become one of my favorite stops on a motorcycle. In the back of the general store there is a restaurant that is open and serving just about everything a person could want. The crown jewel of the menu, you ask? Buffalo. Locally raised buffalo, I might add. Even if buffalo isn’t your thing they have plenty there that can satisfy the least modern of men and/or women. Just don’t come crying to me if you have a low iron count. That being said, I have also had their chicken sandwiches and they are quite tasty as well.

Hot damn! I mean, hot buffalo!
Hot damn! I mean, hot buffalo!
Great food and great atmosphere!
Great food and great atmosphere!

After tanking up on the sweet meat of the prairie don’t forget to fill up the tank of your ride and continue heading north on 311. Just don’t blink as you might smash into a roaming black bear or deer that isn’t used to seeing humans. Head west on 159 and hook up with 220N. If you’re into golfing you might just think you died and gone to heaven as this section of 220 is part of the Sam Snead Highway. Take 220N to 39E and then take a right onto Douthat State Park road to head south. After about 13 miles or so you’ll find yourself in a great little campground. Don’t be shy about staying a good while to fish/hike/relax/ride the area. Trust me, you can’t go wrong in this area whether you are on a street bike or an enduro. Just rock out with your…you know.

Lest we forget where we started, buffalo and motorcycles are two peas in a pod and the Swinging Bridge restaurant. Pairing a great ride with a great restaurant is always a great time!

The Modern Man Guide to Parenting

Being a parent is knowing how to game the system.

“Hey, Daddy, let’s play hide and seek!”

“Ok, go hide upstairs.”

*pours a cup of coffee and snags a cookie from the forbidden cupboard.

elixir of the gods and a fine ass cookie
elixir of the gods and a fine ass cookie

If there is no evidence when he comes back downstairs then it never happened. As far as he knows I am just enjoying some afternoon coffee…

I’m Lovin’ It

So we passed a McDonald’s sign today and Lil’ Man says, “Daddy, is that yellow sign made of mustard?”

“What? No, it’s not made of mustard, buddy.”

“Well what is made of then?”

“Um, I guess regret mostly. That and plastic.”

“Oh.”

He’ll learn soon enough…

The Modern Man Guide To Snacking – Nachos

Do you ever find yourself standing in front of the fridge or pantry looking for something to eat? Well, The Modern Man knows just what you need to stuff in your hole.

Step 1:

Easy Peasy
Easy Peasy

Wrap a sheet tray in aluminum foil to make cleanup about as easy as one of those girls you used to know.

Step 2:

Turn on the heat, baby.
Turn on the heat, baby.

I like to toast my nachos on 375 degrees because that’s just how I roll.

Step 3:

Scoop a Loop
Scoop a Loop

Drop some of your favorite tortilla chips down. I prefer the Scoops as they hold more goodies and whatnot.

Step 4:

Drop Some Meat On Them Shits
Drop Some Meat On Them Shits

Once the chips are down you need to put the toppings on. If you don’t have any meaty leftovers in the fridge don’t be shy about opening a can of chicken. Leftover pulled pork, steak, and chicken are some of my favorites, though. Don’t be shy about putting some corn, beans, onions, etc. anything you want to put on there.

Step 5:

Strain That Chicken
Strain That Chicken

You need to strain the water off any canned toppings you want to use for your nachos or else they’ll get soggy and let’s be honest, nobody likes a limp chip.

Step 6:

Preheat Your Meat
Preheat Your Meat

Preheat your meat! I toss the canned chicken in the microwave for 30 seconds otherwise it doesn’t get hot enough during the time it is in the oven.

Step 7:

Drop The Goods
Drop The Goods

Slap your toppings on the chips! Also, you gotta be a baller with your cheese selection. I use cheddar and I do like grate my own because it isn’t as processed as the pre shredded stuff in the grocery store. Jam.

Step 8:

Oven Time
Oven Time

Melt that cheese, sir.

Step 9:

Hot Damn!
Hot Damn!

Time to remove the goodness! It usually takes about ten minutes on a 375 degree heat setting but just eyeball it and when the cheese is melted really good then you are good to rock out. Don’t burn your digits as that would put a damper on your snacking experience!

Step 10:

Plate 'Em!
Plate ‘Em!

Slap those pretty babies on an appropriate sized plate and add the cool toppings that wouldn’t survive the oven (lettuce, tomatoes, etc.) as well as your condiments (salsa, sour cream, lamb’s blood, whatever blows your hair back).

Step 11:

Clean Up Like A Boss! And don't be a wang. Recycle!
Clean Up Like A Boss! And don’t be a wang. Recycle!

Remove that aluminum foil from the sheet tray and be sure to recycle it or else you are a dick who hates baby seals and whatnot. No need to wash the tray as it was protected by that aluminum foil!

Stuff your face and get back to watching motorcycle races or playing video games and whatnot!

You’re welcome!