Where To Begin?

As the title states, I don’t really know where to begin.

My relationship with my dad has been strained since I was a boy, to say the least, and as a grown man I still struggle with our lack of relationship. We didn’t speak since roughly from Spring 2012 until last August when he cruised through town on his motorcycle and asked if we could meet for breakfast. As you can imagine, breakfast was a bit awkward and as much as I hate to press the “reset” button for the 1,000th time I felt the need to do so because I have to believe that we all want a relationship with our parents.

I swear on my life that the reset didn’t last but nearly 24 hours. Instead of owning his actions like an adult he again reverted to his blameless state and shirked responsibility. At this point I feel the need to state that I didn’t even set the bar very high. When pressed for what I wanted out of our “relationship” I said the truth when I stated that all I/my family needed was love. Also, I want to say that I realize nobody is blameless. We are all imperfect no matter how hard we try but at least most of us try and that is all that I ask. If only he would hold himself to the same standards he holds others to then maybe shit might work out.

I dwell on this scenario on occasion but it does rise to the top when I am cleaning out my  inbox and see his email from almost a year ago. I really have nothing to say to him anymore. And that really bums me out. I don’t want shit to be this way. I’ve been dicked around enough and I can somewhat handle that but like hell am I putting Lil’ Man through it as well. Lil’ Man asks me about my daddy when we’re talking about family and I don’t pretend that I don’t have a dad. He knows his name and how he fits into the family tree and that seems to put curiosity to bed for the time being but Lil’ Man isn’t going to be small forever. I refuse to sugar coat this situation. When he can understand I will tell him how things are and that it really is awful. I don’t hate my dad but, like I said, I’m not putting Lil’ Man and his expectations through the roller coaster that is my father.

I just can’t imagine not being a part of my son’s life. Some days are tough and we butt heads but like hell am I going to let my ego get in the way of my family. He will always know that he needs to be a respectable human and that I hold myself to the same standard. We both may trip along the way and that is fine. We are only human.

But, fuck, are we blood as well.

Disagreements or not he will know I have his back 100% even if he makes choices that I wouldn’t have made myself.

I fucking love his little face off.

But at the end of the day I don’t know what to do about my lack of relationship with my dad. It affects me nearly daily.

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